Color Question

 This is a little indented area in the living room with my pretty chair, bookshelf... it makes me happy because the colors just sing to my soul. Anyway, I want to paint it and I really want to paint it a pale yellow because yellow has become my go-to, happy color and I feel like if I choose a really pale shade and maybe throw in a hot red something in there to break up the color it could work...

Do you all agree? Or do you think that would be too much yellow?

Generic Blog Post

 I'll be honest: I've written 4 or 5 blog posts and then deleted them. The thing is that right now I'm in a good place with work, with therapy, with the cat. The apartment looks great, I'm sleeping well. I eat okay and I'm not binge eating.

The scale is in the closet for the time being because I don't care how much I weigh. I just finished the quilt top for my quilt that I've been working on for over a year and it's fucking gorgeous. Now it's time to finish Carolyn's quilt. After that I'm going to start making monster dolls and see how crazy and fun I can make them.

Life is calm. No major highs or lows and that's new and nice. 

A little boring though.

Sunshine and Lollipops

 

 Yesterday was an amazing day. There was no reason for it, but I put on my favorite dress in the morning, put on jewelry, and worked. Got a lot done, but felt really connected and contained and just damned happy. 

Today my legs are a little achy but I'm wearing my Monbebe shirt (favorite piece of clothing) and my bracelet from Megan that says SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD, SO SHE DID and the IT elves did some magic while I slept and my scanner is working again so lots will be accomplished but I'm not feeling the same bliss but I'm not unhappy and I'm trying to decide what makes a person emotionally okay and should I quit therapy?

That's a mouthful, isn't it?

If I'm being honest with myself, which is unfortunately one of the things I'm really good at doing, therapy is a positive and I'm not at a good place to stop. Even if I don't wake up one day and miraculously have the healthiest outlook of my lifetime, therapy is helping me look at the behaviors and beliefs that hold me back from happiness. 

Oh God... talking to Mollie last night and I mentioned that everyone in my family has said something damaging that I've never been able to shake and Mollie wanted to storm into our family group chat on Facebook and tell everyone off. She was lining up insults for them all. I'm tearing up thinking about it. 

I think that I've spent this lifetime and never had anybody of importance in my life fight for me. Nobody ever tried to protect me or make me feel worthy of protection. Mollie would burn down the world for me. (Believe it or not, so would Carolyn. She used to get into it with the Ubers on the ID site defending my snarky ass. Sorry: no translation to those who were not Divas at the same time.)

Anyway, I think part of my problem is that I've spent 63 years fighting for myself and I'm tired. And my self esteem has taken quite a pounding from all these years of being dismissed, hurt and under-appreciated. And therapy doesn't necessarily make it better, it just makes you aware and being aware hurts.

And maybe the food and the shopping and the obsessive behaviors allow one to be unaware for awhile and not hurt.

Anyway, this is a perfect time to make a pot of coffee and defrost a Costco muffin. I'm going to have a great workday and Mollie and I are having a movie night tonight. I asked Megan if she and Joe would spend a day with me in the future hanging pictures, changing out my showerhead and she just said yes. So I'm smiling again.

It's going to be okay. That's the reason I never give up. Because as hard as it sometimes is, there's always sunshine and songs and reasons to smile.

Love you all.

It Works vs Not a Chance in Hell

 So my daughter lives in a studio apartment in Tokyo which is a fucking mess. OMG! We FaceTime and I see her floor and piles of laundry and garbage and stuff and I freak out a little and she laughs at me and then I remember my apartment at that age was similar. I was messy as heck.

Nowadays I can't leave my bed unmade without feeling like I've failed at life. Which got me to thinking about what I used to love then versus now and how much it's all changed.

1. Hot baths. Used to take baths a few times a week. Nowadays I do it rarely. It's just not as comforting somehow. Although sometimes (on a cold night), it's still a delight.

2. Masturbation. Used to do it nightly. Now I do it rarely and usually give up shortly after I start because it's too much work. Sleep is so much better than orgasms.

3. Movies. Used to love them. Now I don't often have the ability to give anything my attention that long. I usually watch a sitcom and doze during it.

4. Chocolate. I'd rather have ice cream if I want something sweet. And I used to be such a chocoholic.

5. Fast food. Never hot enough and gives me a stomach ache.

6. Men. Used to like them. Now I don't. 

7. Binge reading. Now this I miss. I used to read all the time. Now I don't and I miss it. And nowadays it's easy to put a book down and I used to never be able to do that.

What about you? Anybody have anything to add to the list?

Weekly Menus, Repair Plans and Coffee

My coffee/drink station. It was one of the first things I set up in my apartment and still makes me happy to see. And I'm a hydration station girl. I have coffee every morning, I had a pitcher of pink lemonade in the fridge as well as cold brew, cherry/pomegranate juice and filtered water.

Love me my drinks.

My oils. Soy sauce and pan spray. The light green contains vegetable oil and the blue/grey has olive oil. The skull has white vinegar in it and I love pouring it in the sink with baking soda and watching it bubble up and I feel so witchy.

I found this at the thrift store. It's my spoon rest. I love it. I love china and this sort of ultra feminine stuff I adore. One day I want to buy a whole set of china like this: they sometimes have it at the thrift store but it's spendy. I would so absolutely use it as my everyday china.

My biggest happiness on Saturday: finally found the aisle in Walmart where all the kitchen stuff I needed was hidden. So I got a little sponge organizer for my sink and a dish rack. They also have all the boxes to organize the junk drawer which I plan to buy later. God, I love love love organizational tools. Marie Kondo is my jam.

So this is my bathtub and that's chinks in the porcelain. I have a lot of decolorization on the rim and top also. I didn't think there was anything I could do about it but discovered that Amazon sells porcelain paint. So it's on my list for my next Amazon purchase. I'm getting white and ivory to mix and going to touch it all up.

I also need to do something with my bathroom mirror. It has a raw edge and looks awful. I saw a hack on TikTok that's just wrap black electrical tape around it to make it look finished. I might try that if I can't find a more appealing idea.

Another new thing I'm trying is menu planning. I emptied my freezer and then reorganized it as well as listed everything I have. Then I planned a week's menu with notes. So tonight I'll make egg roll in a bowl to use up the last of my cole slaw pack and one of three ground turkey packs. Last night I made pork ribs which added three packs of single servings of ribs to the freezer as well as 1 serving for leftovers later in the week.

As a single person I don't need to buy a lot and everything I buy gives me multiple meals. And this way I'm taking all the "what do I want to cook?" angst out because it's planned and some of it is already prepped.

I also have a weekly cleaning calendar but I don't think that's going to work for me. We'll see on that.

Okay, that's my blathering about uninteresting stuff right now. Back to work.

Time Off

 

Taking a few days off work to catch my breath. Didn't make any big plans: in fact, I'm thinking of canceling all plans and just playing at my craft desk making monster dolls. They're just something I started for fun and creatively are very satisfying. 

I did travel across island yesterday to spend time with my friend Megan which was nice. Even nicer is the next day when the only reasons to move are self-determined. I'm supposed to go tomorrow and play with another friend but I might cancel and just stay home and play with dolls.

Hit the thrift store yesterday and found a gorgeous piece of china that is now my spoon rest on the stove. Got a purse, weekly calendars, a pillow. Went to the fabric store and got a shitload of buttons. 

Spent the morning making monster doll parts and now it's time to wash the floor. I have a closet of cleaning stuff and no motivation (outside of the incredible mess my floors are).

I have so little to say but wanted to say hi. 

Peanut Butter Bread and Epiphany

 

Well it was a disappointment, to be honest. Smelled amazing while it baked and I might just bake it again for the alone. But it really didn't zing with the taste of peanut butter. I only wonder if using almond milk instead of regular milk has anything to do with it. But I kind of don't think so. 

Ingredients:

2 cups flour

4 tsp baking powder

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp salt

1 & 1/3 cup milk

1/2 cup peanut butter

Mix together. Bake 1 hour in a well buttered loaf pan at 325.

Hope you enjoy it more than I did.

Epiphany: I saw a TikTok of a woman who wallpapered her fridge and it was awesome So pretty. I want to do it.

And I want to wallpaper my plain white bookshelf with the water stains.

I want an orange slipcover for my couch.

I want to minimize my office space and maximize my living space.

And I'm not obsessive or unhealthy in wanting these things and wanting to do these things. Your home is a huge extension of who you are and wanting to make your home suit you. feel more comfortable and comforting is just another expression of self care.

It's time to stop worrying if I'm healthy/having good brain. It's better to start enjoying and expressing and celebrating my life and myself.

The Weekend So Far

 Murder was supposed to have his/her/their first vet appointment but after losing a pint of blood to those murder mittens, I had to admit to a complete fail. We have a lot of trust work before that's going to happen.

On a positive note, I did get some cream for his/her/their skin and I have a soft collar on order so I can begin working on some healing for them anyway. 

So the above picture is a brush I picked up for cleaning vents. It's still a little short for my bathroom vent so I'll try the broom. But... the windows in my apartment have the screen on the inside and the glass panels on the outside and there are little bug bodies on the outside of the screen. Kind of ugly to be honest. 

That above mentioned brush was excellent. I scrubbed the inside of the screens and the bristles dislodged those bugs and I'm no longer looking at bug corpses when I want to look at the ocean. Since I live on the third floor (in a roundabout way) there was no way to clean the windows from outside. So big win.

I made fried chicken for the first time in my life last night. Yeah, I know that sounds sad. But honestly I really don't fry food in oil and why make fried chicken when you can buy it everywhere? But I wanted to do it myself and it was meh. I did a double dipping which made the skin way too thick. Didn't like. And I seasoned the flour mixture but it didn't taste seasoned at all. Not sure what I should have done there.

It cooked well enough and all but was bland. Not sure I want to do it again.

So it's still morning and I plan to spend the rest of the day cleaning, baking peanut butter bread (why not?) and doing my nails. Also just saw the movie Free Guy and it was delightful. Not often that I watch a movie and immediately would be willing to watch again so ... if you can, do watch.

I'll post about the bread later.

Clean Tok

 

Obsession. I don't think that's something I can hide from. Is it the same as having an addiction? I don't know. I just know that my life seems to operate in moving from one obsession to the next.

So what do I do when I don't have one? When I'm trying to keep my mind free of obsessive clutter and bad brain? I go on Tik Tok and discover the exciting world (and new obsession) of Clean Tok.

Yes, it's really called Clean Tok. And it's professional cleaners, stay at homes, work full timers... oh hell, it's everyone. And they film themselves cleaning. And they give advice. Hacks. Product reviews. It is... dare I say... a healthy obsession.

I'm neat as heck but not necessarily clean. I like things put away. Dishes don't sit in the sink for long. But my cleaning is a Swifter mop and clorox wipes. So my place never looks or smells really clean (then add a cat and cat litter to the mix and yikes!) 

So I decided to try and choose my obsession and make this work for me. Walmart had most everything I needed. I started small with the toilet, tub and sink. 2 out of 3 sparkle. I need to get the close to wall grime on the toilet so I missed on that one. But the tub is super clean and I took a bath last night and truly relaxed after scrubbing it so well.

Anyway, I'm kind of happy with this. I'm only doing one small area a day to be kind to my knees. So tonight I'm going to clean the bedroom floor (new spinning mop and bucket and Fabulosa cleaner... I feel like cleaning royalty). Ha!

Let me know if you have any favorite cleaning tips. I'm going to start posting pictures of some of my organizational things soon because I love them. As well as some of my hacks for enjoying my space and using things I have in more interesting ways.

Mood

 It's a mood.

A bad mood.