Mental Health Check In

 

So how are we all doing?

I had a kind of hard weekend because I was overwhelmed with things I felt I needed to get done but also I had a huge need to chill and let some stress leave my body. I wasn't very successful at either. 

But today I woke a little late (probably because I didn't fall asleep until around 3 or 4 am) and my equilibrium was, well, equal. I still have a bunch of things I want/need to get done but I don't have the need to get them done NOW!! I need a lot more sleep and relaxation and that will happen.

So the difference between this weekend and today became awareness. I woke up this morning aware that I had placed myself in a pickle of contrary needs and created my own struggle in this instance. Quick story: I bought a small pack of country style ribs. Separated into baggies: one had 2 ribs and one had 3. I took the 2 rib pack out to make for dinner. Looked up on Google the best was to cook them and everyone was talking about a 3 hour slow cook. Well I was hungry and didn't have 3 hours to slow cook ribs so I made something else. Then this morning I woke up, sat up in bed and thought "why would you slow cook 2 small ribs for 3 hours? That makes no sense. Pan fry the damned things with the Cajun seasoning and enjoy."

That's what I mean by making things more difficult for myself. Can't think common sense when your brain is making things hard for you.

Anyway, this is all to say that awareness sure helps when the brain is mis-firing. Doesn't mean you can fix it, just means you can understand and not let it get too deeply inside.

Love you guys. Hope your brains are working with you today.

My Angel

 The morning I was leaving to go to Maui, my neighbor (I'm in 312, she's in 310) was outside smoking and on her phone. She saw me and my suitcase and jumped into Angel mode. Carried my suitcase down out steps and up to the top courtyard, she took my bag of garbage to throw out and she wished me a good trip.

This is the same neighbor who has carried my boxes to my apartment when I was moving in and struggling.

The entire time I was in Maui , I thought of her. How much easier she's made things  for a stranger. How much pain she saved  me from.

So what does Maui have, I wondered, that our island doesn't? And my co-worker said Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It's the only island that has them.

So yesterday before I got on a plane, we went to Krispy Kreme. Then I came home. And carried those doughnuts to her door and knocked and no one was home. An hour later, still no one home. Last time I checked was about 8pm and then I went to sleep.

This morning I work up and immediately went to check if lights were on and they weren't. Well damn. But a few moments later there was a knock on my door and I opened it to my angel.

I swear the exchange was:

Angel: Auntie, I saw you outside and knew you were home. The mailman left a box outside your door and I grabbed it so it wouldn't get stolen.

Me: You're an angel.

Angel: So here's your box.

Me: Here's some Krispy Kreme from Maui because you're an Angel.

Us: beaming at each other.

How does a stranger have so much love and care inside her heart? And how much must I be loved by the universe that I'm in 312 and she's in 310?

 

I listened.

I paid off my phone. I paid off my Affirm bill (and deleted Affirm from my apps). I paid off Macys.

My rent is paid for next month, my phone bill is paid. Oh, and my boss is buying me a couch.

Seriously, after all of that my boss came to me and said how much he appreciated that I put my life on hold to keep his office open. He said if I hadn't come to Maui then they would have had to close the office for a week. So he's giving me a bonus which will pay for my couch. I'm so excited.

What I'm most excited about is going home on Friday. Over 3 weeks living with my boss, working with my boss, not getting away from my boss. I need to go home. I'm so ready to be comfortable again. To not flinch when I'm talking to my daughter on speaker and she cusses. To not have someone going through my fridge and folding my laundry despite my asking her not to. To have a door I can lock.

I am so ready to go home.

How Do I Spend It?

So I worked 88 hours on my last paycheck and got some travel and food expenses added which gave me a rather healthy amount.

I have a dilemma. 

I have one chair to sit on in my living room which is really attractive but not that comfortable. I want a small couch. Amazon has the above couch for about $425. which has decent reviews (all furniture is going to have some hateful reviews but there's enough positives to make me feel secure in purchasing it). This paycheck would pay for the couch.

Mollie says I should pay off a bill. So I could pay off a bill that's around $300 and also pay a year of Netflix so that would take 2 bills off my budget. Giving me a little bit more to live on.

I'm terrible with money (I wish I wasn't but I am). So which choice do I make? Couch or bills?

 

Men On TikTok

 

Yesterday I was depleted. I've been working 10 hour days, trying to do the work of two different jobs while being pulled into surgeries and doing the work of yet a third different job and I hit the wall. Hard. I was scattered, crying, unable to concentrate... again in a place of great vulnerability and easy pickings. 

Perfect time for a little gaslighting and manipulation from a man who doesn't always hide his misogyny well. And even while it was happening, I saw each gambit for what it was. Interesting moment. Never would have flown if I wasn't already so depleted.

Anyway, the real thing was that last night I climbed into bed with my phone and TikTok'd myself into a stupor. And it was so fascinating. Because my FOR YOU page changes all the time and last night it was a lot of videos of men fighting other men about how they treat women. It was men talking about how they love curves and thick thighs. It was unabashed love from men who see women as more than a conquest and more like the princess in the tower. She isn't in that tower because she can't get out: she's in that tower because there's nothing to come out for.

Men really suck. Not all men (heh). But once you recognize the pervasiveness of the patriarchy and understand that it benefits most men and they celebrate it... I mean come on, Men suck.

Anyway, watching men on a public forum celebrate womanhood, especially after the day I had, was amazing. Every man who showed a video from a larger woman and complimented her, every man who exposed the ragged misogyny of the small-dick brigade, they felt like my warriors last night.

I've had very few people in my life who truly had my back. Even less that would do battle for me. Seeing these men, knowing they're out there and willing to burn it all down gave me some hope.

Not all men are hate women. Thank God. 

Wow, Do We Carry Baggage

 I am spending January in Maui. I got here Thursday and immediately started working after 6 months of not being in an office and I was overwhelmed. By the time I left I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Friday was even busier and physically more taxing because I assisted in surgery. Friday night I was done in.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm staying in my boss' house? Oh yeah. Thank goodness it's like a basement apartment (nicer than mine in Hilo) but there's no chance to be alone alone and decompress.

I have been on the verge of tears for days.

Yesterday I was handed car keys, shown how to use the car's navigation system and off I went. I didn't go anywhere special. First I found a Starbucks and got some caffeine. Then I drove through Wailuku and found a park and sat. I called Carolyn. I called Megan. (I should mention that the evening previous I had a video call with Lea too).

And the thing was, what I had realized on Thursday when I arrived and throughout each day, is that I'm feeling so vulnerable. Being on my own in the car was the first time since I got here that I had any control. It was a punch in the gut.

I'm away from home. I have no return ticket, no transportation, no independence. The boss and especially his wife are super accommodating and kind but they're still the boss and his wife, ya know? This isn't a vacation. 

I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long time. I feel like an open wound. It's murdering my appetite although I'm sleeping wonderfully. 

There's no answer. I need to get some therapy started and begin to heal that part of me. I'm vulnerable but not out of control.

The best thing so far: I have discovered that 100% Egyptian cotton towels are the most amazing towels ever created and I must own some. I had Indian food and loved it. I am drinking cold brew because they don't have coffee in the house and it's a life saver. And I found some dispensers on sale at Target for soap and shampoo so I felt happy.

And I also figured that if I'm feeling this vulnerable it might be the perfect time to write a bit and see if I can capture the feeling on paper.

To Maui We Meander

 My bags are packed

I'm ready to go...

Have I mentioned my job before? I try not to talk about it much because I'm grateful to have a job and I've learned how to cope with a busy and stressful situation. And being able to work from home (and now full time) is a dream.

My employer is not always a dream. He's a very generous employer with a good heart but a short fuse when it comes to certain situations and an ability to keep his inside thoughts from sometimes becoming outside comments which has led to the exodus of many employees.

I don't mind too much cause I know his good side and I like the job. But well, these last 2 weeks we had the office lead quit suddenly and the surgery assistant has called out sick with laryngitis the last 2 weeks and the only other person in the office now is sick and decided to work part-time...

so I'm going to Maui tomorrow. And staying for like a month. And this all happened today and my stress is so high that it disappeared because I can't handle that much stress...lol. 

Anyway, tomorrow I have to catch an Uber (never took an Uber before) which I have to walk to the pick up place (means walking uphill with a suitcase and a cane) and then take a short flight, catch another Uber to the office (second time in my life taking an Uber and all on the same day!) then go to work in an office I've never been in before because there's no staff.

However, I have a really good feeling that I'm going to be put up somewhere awesome (I'll let you all know) and I've decided that I need to say yes more often than no so here we go...

Wish me luck ladies. We're off on an adventure.  

Bariatric Decisions

 

So today I had an appointment with the Bariatric team psychologist and it was a new psychologist (new to me). Also named Lori. And um... wow. You know when you meet the right person at the right time? Well today I met the right person at the right time.

We were talking about dieting and my history with weight loss and weight gain and she said something... I can't even pinpoint what exactly it was and it made me cry. We both were surprised. And then truth started to happen. Stuff I wasn't acknowledging about the surgery and there it all was.

I'm not ready. I haven't been alone in 30 years and suddenly I'm alone and starting to take care of myself, real care of myself, and I'm not ready for surgery. There's so much about it that makes my teeth clench. And as much as I want to get surgery so I can lose enough weight to get my knees fixed, I need to work on other things first. My relationship with food, with my family, with myself, with Lea...

So, as if that wasn't enough work imploded a bit today and I've been super vulnerable so it was a real teeter-totter of emotions. But we're coming out on the other side. Days like today certainly make me feel confident in keeping my job because I survived the wackiest of wack-a-doodle days.

Anyway, I'm feeling very emotional but certain I'm on the right path. Wish me luck.

January 3, 2022

So this is one of the big changes starting 2022 for me. 

I couldn't really afford to buy a 2022 planner (when I say I live paycheck to paycheck, I mean it. I count them damn pennies.) but I did have a lot of notebooks sitting around so I made my own. And it's always so nice when you do that because you can seriously add the items you really want. So I have a few pages dedicated to passwords (I have a few) and many budgeting pages made specifically for how I can best see and understand my budget.

And reading lists.

I haven't done this before but I thought it would be interesting to start recording the books I read, the many books I DNF (especially within the first chapter) and do end of the month posts about them. Which is seriously cool since it's only January 3 and I've already read a book I loved, DNF'd a book in the first chapter and am now reading a book of essays that will be a solid C grade.

Anyway, work is getting interesting again which is never a good thing because that could translate into way too much work to balance. My apartment looks good and I get a new bookshelf delivered today which makes me giddy with joy. And in cleaning I put a couple of things on Facebook Marketplace that haven't been used in years and they're all selling (I do price cheap) so tonight I go to Walmart and buy hooks to hang all my art and bring life to my sad, white walls.

And unless you're a fan of Jujutsu Kaisen (which I am), this graphic my daughter made me will make no sense but talk about bringing me joy...