My 600 Pound Life

 Dear Carolyn,

I never had any interest in watching this show previously but then recently you mentioned it and now I'm addicted. It's the background soundtrack of my life currently.

So yesterday when I was watching, a woman of 300+ pounds bought new clothes and fit in a smaller size than I do which wigged me out (as you know because I sent pictures and enraged text messages). And then chilled because clothing size is so subjective anyway. I fit in anything from X-L to 4X. Material, cut and country of origin have a lot of differences with sizing.

But I was thinking further about the show and my emotional reaction to it and finally realized why it was so much to me: because I weigh 600 pounds too!

Of course I don't. As of this morning I weigh 217.4 pounds. But there's no difference between a 600 pound woman and myself in my mind. In my mind, we're the same size. We walk alike, eat alike, look alike. I am all stomach and thighs and flapping upper arms. I have skin infections from my skin rubbing against other skin, my knees are shot and I can eat a bag of potato chips at one sitting without a thought.

My ankles and feet swell sometimes. I smell from the infections and the weight. I never look good or bad: I just look fat. Lately with the progression of knee pain and degeneration, I walk in small, small steps because walking has become very problematic.

So logic tells me that I'm not 600 pounds. I don't have lymphedema, I can see my knees, my heart is healthy. I'm not diabetic, my cholesterol is okay and yadda, yadda, yadda. But oh that pesky self-image. That crazy skewed viewpoint that a 600 pound woman is my twin. That I'm so out of control and so fat that no one would see the difference between us because I don't.

With that kind of body dysmorphia it's not a surprise that I'm falling into the rabbit hole of obsession. I know better but I don't feel it. My mind is both right and wrong and confusing the fuck out of me.

I'm really pleased that part of this journey includes psychological guidance. It's something to think that I'm 63 years old and have been dealing with body image since my teens and am no closer to moving ahead. Maybe I never will. Maybe this is the journey to put it to rest. I really don't know. All I do know is that I'm glad it's finally on the table and being addressed.

Lori