8/21

 My brother became a pirate

standing at the foot of the Matterhorn

a black curtain descended

over one eye

and he put on a patch

said "matey"

and pretended nothing happened

although he'll never see again

My sisters in law

have inconvenient breasts

with cancer

implants

and silicone leaking

like their chests are a/c units

that have sprung a leak.

Nobody tells you

that your body is a cereal box

missing the toy inside

Age is a surprise

lacking the party hats

and stripping you slowly

till there's nothing left

Moving to Decatur, Part 3: Lay Your Ass Down

 

If there's one thing I believe (for myself) a house doesn't feel like a home without a couch. When I moved into my apartment in Hawaii I was miserable until I got a couch. Here, I got a bed and couch before anything else.

The couch was a disaster because I only got half and then they sent too much and I had to return some but look at that baby. Pink, comfy, warm. The rug is super bright and stupid and I love it. So far the only person who loves my choices is my daughter. And me. I love it all.

It's still a disaster. My handyman has worked for three days trying to hang a light fixture in the living room. The original was installed so badly (they all were and they're all getting replaced). The dish washer is leaking, the garage roof was rotted and be careful what you touch because it will probably crumble to dust.

Still ... I'm home  And it feels like home. My stuff from Hawaii will be here next week and once I get my stuff then I'll really be home. I'm still trying to figure out where my K-Pop wall goes ...

Anyway. This weekend should be nothing but snow. I have food. I have blankets. I have gas stove and gas hot water heater. We will survive.

Anyone else hunkering down for the weekend>

Moving to Decatur, Part 2: HOME, WTF, HOME

 

If there's a place that exists between utter disaster and heavenly abode, my house is that place.

The first night we walked into the house and the lights didn't turn on. All that worked was the second bedroom, hall and bathroom lights. We were in the dark, lost and hungry,

Within a short time the flaws of the house became clear. Every improvement done in this house was done by the owner, a young man with a great eye for design but no knowledge of wiring, plumbing or anything else. The bathroom had no caulk anywhere, molding was falling off the walls, the dishwasher leaks, the lights all need replacing ...

So we've been doing things step by step. The bathroom was fixed. My bedroom has a working light. We have put together furniture.

The things I wanted have taken a back seat to the things I need. But we're getting there. Slowly and surely. And the thing is that I know the work we're doing now will benefit me in years to come.

I love this house. It's draining me but I love it.

Moving to Decatur: Part One Catastrophic Travel

 2 boxes. 2 suitcases. 2 plastic crates and 2 cats in hard carriers. My friends Cindy and Bob had dropped the crates off to my brother Mitch earlier. My neighbor Ashley helped me with everything else. We packed the car. We brought the cats out and before they were put in the car Wednesday busted the door off the crate and disappeared. We called. We brought out treats. We begged but Wednesday was gone and there was a flight to catch.

I still can't properly think about it without feeling the greatest sense of loss. I had already lost Kitara and now Wednesday. I held Murder a little closer and we continued. There was a flight to catch,

We drove to my brother's house and loaded my bags and boxes into his car as well as Murder. I signed my car over to Mitch, gave his wife a hug and off we went to the airport.

Alaska Airlines in Kona. 2 crates, 2 boxes, 2 suitcases, one cat who I had bought a seat for and myself. I check in and the gal behind the counter tells me that Murder is in the wrong kind of carrier. No, I respond, Murder is in the carrier that the woman from the airline told me she had to have. The clerk disappears for 20 minutes and then comes back and tells me that Murder is in the wrong carrier and must go into cargo. I'm unhappy but say okay. Then I give the lady the paperwork for Murder and it's the wrong paperwork. 

Now I'm being told that Murder can't fly at all. I'm sobbing. I cannot leave this cat behind. The clerk disappears again. I'm panicking and call my brother who is almost back home and ask him to head back to the airport. The clerk returns and says that Murder can fly but she has to fly in the cabin, without the health certificate they won't be responsible for her. I call my brother back. I'm so grateful to have Murder still with me. 

Pn the plane I had booked myself the window seat and Murder the middle seat. Murder had to take the window seat. Whatever. She was a trooper all the way. No crying, no panic. I know she was miserable but she stayed calm.

We had a layover in Seattle and there I was approached by someone who told me that Murder was in the wrong carrier and couldn't fly. I was not very pleasant. He came back and apologized. Then a woman came up to me and said I needed to pay additional fees for the cat. At this point I was bitchy. She left and didn't come back.Later I'm approached and told the airline is giving me additional miles to use.Ha. Like I'll ever fly them again.

The flight to Chicago is uneventful. We're met by a car who drives us to Decatur.The drive was lovely. There was snow on the ground. But we made it home.

Happy Merry

Life is not for the faint hearted. Moving is for the extremely stupid. I need to sleep for a week.

My siblings are still in Asheville and will be leaving on Friday. Hospice is involved and they confirmed that our father is in the end of life but it isn't going to be a quick transition. He still has some muscle and can get out of bed and sit in his chair. He eats a few bites of food. He is fading but slowly. There's no timeline on it. But it's not going to happen this week.

He sleeps about 20 hours a day and he has a lot of confusion. He called me today and was able to have some conversation, not a lot but he checked in on the house sale and moving. 

I move one week from today. There's really nothing much left to do. I got 2 plastic totes to take on the plane to pack my blankets and kitchen must-haves. Still trying to find a home for one cat. But I'm done. Just finito. Between all this I'm stressed to my limits. 

I keep forgetting it's the holidays. I had to apologize to Mollie because I forgot completely. Thank God she's 24 cause all she wants is money anyway.

I'm just praying that this week passes quickly. Once I'm on a plane life will look so much better.

Another Mess in a Messy Life

 

Yesterday I bought a house, today the movers came and today hospice was called for my father. My current home is empty, there's me and cats and a bunch of destroyed cat trees (my cats are hard on cat trees).I have thoughts. I have feelings. I have a lot of confusion.

I cried when I heard about my father. My brother and sister are going to Asheville tomorrow, I am not. My life is too much chaos as is and that would be way too much for me to do. Right now I'm doing what I do well: organizing. Organizing my leaving, organizing my life and my cats and keeping myself in check.

It's complicated to have a dying father who was a rat bastard and caused so much hurt. A part of me still feels that the world will be better with him out of it. But he has also proven to be remorseful (or he has acted it well). What he did is unforgivable. The number of people he hurt over the years is a list way too long. 

But he's my father. And he came into our lives after a 40+ year of estrangement and has done what he can to make our lives easier. He did apologize. That was unexpected. My sister calls him Dad. I call him Arnold still. I won't acknowledge him with vulnerability.

Anyway, it's all so complicated. I should be excited about my house but right now excitement isn't here. I'm conflicted, I'm messy. 

And knowing how fucked up this world is, I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls through somehow and just did all this to get his kids to visit again.

Two Weeks Notice

Two weeks till I get on a plane and go to a state I've never set foot in to a town I found on a Google search to live in a house I own that I haven't really seen to begin a new chapter of my life.

Cool beans.

Right now my concern is just getting everything packed. I've done pretty well and all I have left is books, k-pop collection and kitchen. I think K-pop collection will be sent USPS right before I leave so I can get it quicker and set it up. It will give me a little more joy to have my boys/men surrounding me in the new space. 

I'm cycling through excitement, depression and anxiety. I know I've done a lot and it will all be done. I'll leave with everything I want (minus one kitty who I still need to find a home for but it breaks my heart and I'm not being proactive). I'll have a bed waiting and a litter box for the cats waiting so I should have nothing to worry about. Everything else is small.

Two weeks. I'm just gobsmacked at how time works. But this isn't new. We dread/anticipate something in the future (going to Japan, seeing my father) and it build up in our mind. Then it's almost there and you make sure you have everything you need. Then you're on a plane and the waiting is over. 

Next week the movers come and then I'll have a full week of nothing to do but clean my apartment before I leave, mail a few boxes of things I want the week I arrive that I don't have space to bring on the plane and then we go. I already have laundry pods, toilet paper, cat snacks and instant coffee to bring. My Kindle will be charged and ready. I'll actually live in the same time zone as Carolyn for the first time in our 20+ years of friendship. 

And: it's a 1 day drive from my door to her door and we're planning our first trip already. Springtime in Alabama. I can't wait.