Yesterday was an amazing day. There was no reason for it, but I put on my favorite dress in the morning, put on jewelry, and worked. Got a lot done, but felt really connected and contained and just damned happy.
Today my legs are a little achy but I'm wearing my Monbebe shirt (favorite piece of clothing) and my bracelet from Megan that says SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD, SO SHE DID and the IT elves did some magic while I slept and my scanner is working again so lots will be accomplished but I'm not feeling the same bliss but I'm not unhappy and I'm trying to decide what makes a person emotionally okay and should I quit therapy?
That's a mouthful, isn't it?
If I'm being honest with myself, which is unfortunately one of the things I'm really good at doing, therapy is a positive and I'm not at a good place to stop. Even if I don't wake up one day and miraculously have the healthiest outlook of my lifetime, therapy is helping me look at the behaviors and beliefs that hold me back from happiness.
Oh God... talking to Mollie last night and I mentioned that everyone in my family has said something damaging that I've never been able to shake and Mollie wanted to storm into our family group chat on Facebook and tell everyone off. She was lining up insults for them all. I'm tearing up thinking about it.
I think that I've spent this lifetime and never had anybody of importance in my life fight for me. Nobody ever tried to protect me or make me feel worthy of protection. Mollie would burn down the world for me. (Believe it or not, so would Carolyn. She used to get into it with the Ubers on the ID site defending my snarky ass. Sorry: no translation to those who were not Divas at the same time.)
Anyway, I think part of my problem is that I've spent 63 years fighting for myself and I'm tired. And my self esteem has taken quite a pounding from all these years of being dismissed, hurt and under-appreciated. And therapy doesn't necessarily make it better, it just makes you aware and being aware hurts.
And maybe the food and the shopping and the obsessive behaviors allow one to be unaware for awhile and not hurt.
Anyway, this is a perfect time to make a pot of coffee and defrost a Costco muffin. I'm going to have a great workday and Mollie and I are having a movie night tonight. I asked Megan if she and Joe would spend a day with me in the future hanging pictures, changing out my showerhead and she just said yes. So I'm smiling again.
It's going to be okay. That's the reason I never give up. Because as hard as it sometimes is, there's always sunshine and songs and reasons to smile.
Love you all.
I want to hug you hard (and to help Mollie hide the bodies).
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, being aware makes it hard, but it helps, and the hard parts must be endured to get to the good parts. (which sucks, but alas, it's what it is)
Here's hoping it was a good day, and that you get to watch a good movie with Miz Mollie.
I'm next in line for a hug after Ms AL. I also have a good shovel if you and Miss Mollie need it...
ReplyDeleteYou know I have your back too alhtough it's hard from the arse end of hte planet to be of any real use. But, whatever you need babe. Gotta admit, I loved the comment about Carolyn and the feral Ubers... I know I had a run in with them that even now still gives me pause and not in a good way.
I can't afford therapy although I think sometimes I need it. I did see a therapist once, when I was working but that was over soemthing relating to jury duty. It helped but they only paid for the one sesssion and so...
I hate that you have felt like this for so long. Family are supposed to love and support you, yet it doesn't sound like yours did.I can well understand Mollie's instinct. Thank the goddess you have her and she has you.
Megan and Joe sound like wonderful people and I hope you have the fun hanging pics and fixing hoswerheads. My car needs a tune up if you're not busy... ;)
I'm here if you need babe but in the mean time, big hugs. MWAH! xx