My No Buy Lie

 So my new vacuum arrives today. The phone chargers are coming in tomorrow and the keyboard for the bedroom computer arrives on Saturday. Obviously I've bought stuff.

But all the things I've bought are things I either need or will use. Nothing pretty, nothing for witchcraft or play. And I'm starting to get it. I'm really starting to get it.

When I started cleaning (I mean, really cleaning out), a lot of the frivolous stuff I bought from fast fashion sites or on Target runs were the first to go. Some of the things I bought, I love. I got jewelry I love and some rugs. Some small decorative pieces. But the things that were bought to be useful, mostly weren't. And I bought things that were just so unnecessary but the dopamine rush of shopping and buying...

And I got notifications that I was getting deliveries all at the same time and I felt guilty for a minute. My new no-buy self had failed. And it's only February.

Except I haven't failed at all. I've been living with a $20 vacuum cleaner from Walmart that falls to pieces while I'm using it. I need a decent vacuum. I need charging cords for my phone. And my work computer failed terribly as a work computer so I'm back on my original laptop and my boss said to do whatever I want with the desktop computer and big ass, beautiful monitor. Well, it's going to get set-up on my bedroom desk and share space with the sewing machine. I'm going to wipe it clean and then just add games and a writing program and I'm gonna love it. But I need a keyboard and got a $50 keyboard from Amazon for $20 and damn...

What I'm not doing is planning out my paychecks to leave myself money to shop with. I'm not seeing that I have $50 after bills and groceries so let's go browse shopping sites. I'm not browsing shopping sites.

There's a greater sense of catching my breath right now. Of controlling the dopamine and finding peace. My no-buy plan was successful in a much larger way than just saving money. 

Total win.

Happy Valentine's Day

 this is really rough and unedited but hell...  it's my blog after all...

Valentine's Day

I tell myself stories

about myself

and all the lives

I never lived

the sun knows my secrets

and finds them

plain

They raised me to lose me

at a young age

with no concern

to how.

Whether a stranger

in a tan car

on a rainy night

offering a ride

or a bottle of pills

after my father

crushed me

as long as I was gone

they wanted a memory

not a daughter

but I refused to die

Instead I was lost

to myself

for most of a lifetime

and would you believe

that today is February 14

the day devoted

to lovers

and the first time

my Valentine

is a real person and not a story

whispered

in a dark room

I'm not the verse

of another's song

or the chorus of my own:

I'm the whole damn orchestra

I'm cacophony

cymbals flying

a pounding drum

a horn blaring

and a whisper

of a violin's string

a flute's frill

I buy myself chocolates

and cheesecake

take myself to the ocean

and say “why look at that

it has a story too

although smaller than yours”

maybe the sun

pretends to be unimpressed

because my brightness

dwarfs it

Valentine's Day

this year

is not for lovers

it exists for me

to revel

in my breasts

my belly

my thick thighs

me

I am

the best lover

I can find

because this love

wasn't supposed to happen

I insisted on living

I will always

insist on living

and when the choice

is no longer mine

I'll be damned

if I go alone in the dark

I'll have stories

of this life

a marvelous tale

of a woman

born to be forgotten

who decided to live

and love herself

with ferocity

because this world

belongs to me

When They Have an Evil Side

I've previously mentioned George, the stray orange cat that I've been feeding. And I believe I've previously mentioned Norman, the maintenance manager of my apartment complex. Now these 2 are converging and I'm sick to my stomach.

George visits twice daily and I feed him. Sometimes he wanders a little bit inside but he always leaves. I'm not trying to catch him, I wanted him to decide if he wants to be adopted. 

So today Norman (who I've always liked) came to tell me that I can't put cat food outside my door anymore. They're setting traps to catch the stray cats and (this is the part that makes me ill), they plan to take the cats to a different place and just dump them out there. 

George isn't fixed. George isn't feral. Not really. He was abandoned I'm sure and he deserves a home because he's an orange cat and all cats deserve homes. As do all dogs and children and donkeys and the rest.

For fuck's sake: cruelty is cruelty.

Anyway, I'm going to try and keep George safe. But I don't think I like Norman anymore which is sad because I really liked him a lot previously. And now I have to worry about either of my cats wandering and getting caught in a trap.

What the absolute fuck.

When Life Hands You Tuna: Feed the Cats

 So Wednesday took off over a week ago and I pretty much accepted she was gone. 8 or 9 days is a long time. And then last night about 9pm I hear loud meowing at the front door and she's home. Complaining non-stop, seeking as much affection as possible and home. 

Murder is angry because in the last week + with Wednesday gone, we've had a nice, calm time together. Murder has stayed close, we've had lots of quiet petting and cuddles and treats. I've liked it too. It was calm. Murder and I are like an old couple. We're settled together. We're happy.

So Mollie wants Wednesday to come to Japan and live with her and her cat Biyoo. Biyoo would love to have a mate. Mollie cat sat for a friend for a week and Biyoo haunted that cat wanting to play, wanting to cuddle together, Biyoo and Wednesday might be a dream team.

And I love Wednesday but I was happier with her gone. I hate to admit it but it's true. So I think we'll be looking at Wednesday becoming an international cat.

Does she need a passport?

I fell in love at lunch and changed my life before the weekend

 This is Lori and Jack outside of Ken's in Hilo. We had a horrible lunch with terrible service and I didn't care because I fell in love over a teri burger and fries and now I've decided to go to North Carolina and see my father and go to Japan and spend next Christmas with my daughter and Jack will probably be in the Maldives or somewhere exciting because his life is exciting but one hour of my life has changed me.

So I haven't talked about my father but a year ago he reached out to me and Mollie and wanted to be in our lives. We made the choice based on financial factors and he paid Mollie's student loans and we are having an interesting, land mine-filled, emotionally manipulative experience.

There's a lot to unpack.

Anyway, he asked Mollie and I to come visit him and his wife in Asheville. We originally said no but I just sent him an email and said we will. But Mollie can only get time off work around Christmas so that's what we need to do. (He just emailed back and was delighted we're coming. So that's done.)

But Jack. Back to handsome, smiling, smart, personable Jack. He's the boyfriend of Mollie's CEO. He's her HR department. He's the bright spot in her job and he is amazing. He's one of those extraordinary people who feels like you've been friends forever the minute you meet. He was in Hilo and offered to bring Mollie foodstuffs back to Japan if I wanted to put said foodstuffs in his hand. 24 packs of Knorr's pasta and rice sides (her favorite quick dinner). 2 bags of Cheetos. 18 Mr. Goodbars. Delivered at lunch at Ken's where I enjoyed my fries and Jack and I talked about business, Hollywood (he's worked as a Hollywood stylist for some famous peeps - which is how he met Juan, Mollie's CEO). 

We talked a lot about Mollie and I loved that he sees her. He really sees her as she is. Sees her strengths and her weaknesses. He obviously likes her and wants to see her succeed.

And when lunch ended, as sadly, it must... he walked me out to my car and asked when I was coming to Japan. And here's the thing: I have a ticket to go already. But I've been putting it off out of fear. It will be a lot of walking and I have bad knees. My American fatness will stand out. I hate traveling.

But Jack stood next to me and talked about the special times he and Juan will show me in Japan. He talked about the ease of escalators and reminded me they have taxis. And I said I'll come before 2024 is done. And last night Mollie and I made out plans.

The funny thing, of course, is that Juan and Jack will travel during the holiday I'm sure but it isn't about seeing them. Last night while Mollie and I watched TikTok videos about Japan and talked about where we want to go, I told Mollie that there are specific places I want to go. There are specific things I want to buy. But I also want to sit in my daughter's home and pet her cat and eat food and watch movies and anime and laugh and be together and bad knees doesn't mean my life stops.

And then on Friday, my boss emailed me that I got a raise and he appreciates me and I thought life will always have uncertainty but if you don't say yes, you don't meet someone like Jack and that would be a true tragedy.

So I met Jack on Thursday, Mollie and I planned out vacay on Friday, my father responded positively on Saturday and I need to get a passport. 

I'm excited.

Barbie

Barbie    

If you haven't seen this yet, you're welcome.

Wednesday's Home

 And she lost her voice.

But she's home. She showed up at the door at 3am and life got so much brighter.